Pulse Check

I'm still alive...

It's invigorating to be able to feel it. The rush of life surging through my blood stream. And to say it out loud is just a reaffirmation that my body can and will obey my commands. 

I'm always in control. So I think, so I act. But for some time now, I've been slipping up- I believed I was in control when in fact I really was in control of so little. The few unimportant things I was still in control of, I took advantage of, just to exert that power and try to improve my own self-worth and value. 

But I'm bringing myself back to the steering wheel now. I'm going to re-assume control of my life and I'm going to take in the direction I feel like, because I feel like it.

My shrink would love me if he knew what I was doing.

It took me 10 months to comprehend, absorb and correctly act upon his words of wisdom, but it's always better late than never.

I'm living life and I'll be flexing left, right, backwards and frontwards, just to discover what that means. I lived so long waiting for life to happen to me; Waiting for "Parisian adventures", "inspiration" and other exciting prospects to come knocking on my door. And then one day, I caught a disease. A disease I should have allowed myself to catch years ago- I've fallen with a severe case of impulsivity. After years in the planned, structured and constructed closet, I'm stepping out and I'll be banging down the doors of opportunity myself. I won't wait any longer for "destiny" and "fate" to take their chances on me. I'll take a chance on myself.

Nothing comes to those who wait. Things come to those who work consistently and patiently and who take risks without denying their fears but confronting them along the way.

Quite particular cravings of mine

I need

• A breath-taking new year's, however farfetched it seems to be
• Home/self baked toll-house cookies
• A Parisian adventure

Taken by me

• A good book
• A certain relaxation beach 

• Inspiration

It's not much to ask for... is it?

But the comeback is a depressing one;

A preliminary conclusion:

I'll never make it.

A falling star fell from your heart...

...And landed in my eyes.

It is cosmic.
It is contagious.

It is perfection... embodied in the shadow of your heart.

It is all the imagery I might have one day dreamt of capturing on film. All the scenes that should've belonged to people who are not me. Who are not us.

...And then life came along, swooped us up and the tide brought us to this bank of unfound magnificence. And "niceness". And good music. And beautiful movies. And a bright world...

...and everything I ever wanted to be.

The Rules of Life

By the time you hit 22 (or 21 if you've had a head start on life) your 24 hour days would/should probably be split 50-50 between your home and your office.

12 hours here. 12 hours there.

Anything else you need to do during your day or night will have to take up time that is originally dedicated to either.

This is exactly where your life choices are concieved. That's how you put together your priorities.

Time won't let you go..

On the 20th of June

I sat in my office next to my window. The wind blew, and the hot air outside seemed to penetrate my insides although I sat completely protected. The tree leaves rustled.

I sat on this chair in the midst of my scattered papers. I listened to this song and realised...
I truly am in love with love.

For the first time in a very long time, my heart is stuck in my throat.
Oh have I missed you...

I need to learn to be quiet.